I know its been a LONG while.. and ive made alot of promises to update my work.... and it was all intended to be done... i had all hope and intent wiht my heart... its amazing how 3 days can totally change everything...

My mother and my grandmother have been basically taking turns being in and out of the hosital scince christmass day...
my grandmother has bowel problems as well as severe nonstop bleeding from eithr her colon or her woman area.. several ER visists and 6 sp[ecialists cant even agree where the bloods comming from more or less whats causing it...
the urologist said its commong from her bum and creeping into her pee hole and thats whats causing her urine to be bloody..
being a lack of conformity in thier opinions they all agreed on sending her home an "make her comfortable" aka.. let her die.. we dont care.

my mother..is having extensive abdominal pains shes relating to labor pains..and isent having bowel movements either.. her first ER visit they said it was systs on the colon and some surgery showed that not to be the case though they were removed any ways.. docs got to have his extra money after all.. afterwards they did "experimental explorotory surgery" and found nothing..... thus.. sent her home...
few days later and when granny got back from her second visit.. mom was still in nonstop pain.. crying for death and very suicidal.. so mom goes back in for the same reasons as first time...
doctors excuse this time was scar tissue from the first surgery was causing it..
dont get scar tissue in a few days... but they did thier tests again.. found nothing... and with nothing found or fixed.. just like granny.. they sent her home as of last night...

with granny being sick.. my work in the house has gone up exponentially... shes gone from the mind of a 3 year old to now more often then not.. an infant.. even at times incapable of basic speach or even standing or eatting.
my day is spent waking up and literally dragging her out of bed and getting her changed.. diaper clothes bed sheets as she now only goes to the bathroom whee shes at at the time.. so she gets changed 2 times a day.. more when needed. i give her 6 months at the most... but being she needs a nonsto eye now.. my online time or even persona time.. computer or otherwise has been kicked to the curb.. only when i put her to bed to i have mee time.. but by them im so tired all i want to do is sleep.

moms not ooking much better.. the stress of losing grannys already got her beyond depressed.. her lack of bowel function being fatal.. and the added intense pain.. me and ohter family members wonder if between natural death or suicide if mom will pass before granny does.. but ive no doubt when granny goes.. mom wont be to long after.. if she does somehow survive.. my task will have to be focused on caring for her while garry goes to work daily.

eithe way..i go to sleep and wake up wit the constant fear of if and when they will die.. i feel like i m physically and emotionally at rock ottom right now with all thats going on.. but know as they get worse so will i..
id be lying if i said i havent daily wished i could go to bed and never wake u again..

garry hasent been much help either.. getting more and more hatefull and disrespectful twards me with each passing day taking out all his anger and emotion on me and blaming me for every thing that goes wrong...
id be lying if i said i didnt think about killing him on occasion... but i know hes going through tought times like he rest of us are.

i dont know what will happen when both finally pass..garry has had a deep rooted hatred of me a my life..and for those that dont know hes even tried killing me a few times in my childhood... simpy put weve never realy goten along.. and i know he will deliht in the oppertunity to throw me in the streets the very moment my "contract" of caring for my family is gone and theres no longe a use for me.
Ive known the streets have been in my fture the moment i agreed to help out ere in tis hose...but my grandmother would have died 8 years ago if i hadent decided to come.. ad with all thats gone on.. even now i start to doubt weather or not that was a good thing.

over the years ive tried.. tried hard to find a way out of my eventual predicament.. artwork.. web programming..online sales.. lil things that people most saw as a passing whim.. or a pointless joke... mundane things to most that meant life and death to me.. all failed...ive never had a comission for my artwork in its various formats.. other then a few personal requests by my dear friend patches the pink kitsune...
even on the 3D front.. my art never got more ten a passing glance on te main art forums.. and even requests of help and opinions always went ignored...
online sales... i coudlent get out to advertise.. or afford the web ads or lil extras to get the stuff off the ground.. so a loyal sale base never happened...

my fture is certainly a dark and depressing thing to think abot.. and i know its only goig to get worse... and with nobody o talk to at all abotu the situation...its only been further and furter building up inside me.. thus why i had to type it out here.. just an atempt to get it out of me if even a lil bit.. a from of release.. a moment of peace in passing.