This will likly be my final journal entry.

An unbelievable mountain of events has happened to me scince my last posting.. most of it too depressing or hatefull to even be considered legally worthwhile on a PG friendly site.

But as always.. as it approaches my birthday.. the curse that dominates over my shit life hits its apex.. family becomes hurt.. friends are lost.. dreams are shattered.

Tonight.. morning.. 230 am... my possibly closest.. dearest friend in all my life.. has shut thier doors in my face and turned thier back on me without so much as a second thought.. now leaving me with nobody in my life that even has a hint of who or what i am.

due to complications wiht grandmother and other famiy.. ive had no time to really even attempt any artwork.. ive greatly desired to do so.. and it being one of the 2 only things to help keep me sane.. is gone.

The other.. was what fewer and fewer friends i had left.. now.. that list is empty.. and the only other thing keeping me up is gone.. i am left empty and beatten.. those id give my life for have all shut me out their lives for thier own various reasons.. and for the first time in my life.. i find myself staring down at a box razor.. contemplating things ive not fallen this close to in almost 10 years.. no.. il not commit suicide.. but its amazing the ammout of damage the upper forearm can take.

yould also be suprised how much the physical pain works to help drown out the emotional pain hat bears down on you. but that doesent matter any more.. no morals.. no write nor wrong..opinions of the masses dont matter when its just you by yourself.. nobody left to read these journals.. thus why ill not write any more. Rest of the world doesent care.. why should i?

If any do happen upon this.. i can offer in my lifetime.. some words of advice from personal experiences..
If your ever in a situation where you have to fight for someone.. even at the cost of forcing them to chose sides.. fight for all your worth.. let them know they are worth that fight.. and that you wont give them up..the person that is stupid and plays the honorable thing and refuseto make the ones they love chose between friends.. loses.. every time.. ice lost almost every one of my frinds in my life time.. over.. doing the "right and honorable" thing.

life advances on blood sweat and tears.. its a lesson everyone is tought through school and through family.. but whats not told is that its the blood sweat and tears you force on others... there is no corperate ladder.. just a line of people trying to get p as well.. and its their heads you have to step on to get to the top.. because theres no other way up that wall.

Drink and party...hit every big blast you can find.. the older you get.. the mroe motonos life gets.. the more yo dread waking up every morning.. find that fun and hold onto it for as long as you can...

Find what makes you TRULY happy.. and do your best to do it as much as possible... because sooner or later.. its going to be taken from you.. by god.. by fate.. or likly by someone thats just too jealouse you got the happiness that they cant find....

Tell someone you care about you love them....
every day.. a friend.. a family.. even a pet.. the goodness within you can only be fully apreciated by not only others but yourself when you share it.. dont see them as weak emotions or feelings and keep them to yourself..for whatever your reason or excuse.. when you care.. let them know.. becuase youll never know when youll no longer have the oppertunity to.

take a risk now and then.. its the only way youll move foreward in life...sure there will be failures.. but at least you tried.. and wont be stuck wiht the regret of always wondering.. what if.

FIND your place of inner peace and calm.. and visit it FREQUENTLY...if theres any one thing that will hands down destroy you and your life.. its negative thoughts and emotions...find a place where you can confront these negative energies.. and dealw ith them.. do NOT puch them inside and try to hide them. lock them away.. or "deal wiht later" later wont come.. its just going to pile up and eventually destroy you.. and run off all those you ever cared about. you become a mosnter nobody wants to asociate with.

Friendship.. to be wanted.. needed.. loved..cared about.. to make someone else smile.. its the single most important thing in my life.. my drug..he single driving force of my exsistance. seems none of them believed it.. but i would have given my life for my friends.. and i did in some way.. sacrificng my happiness and my smiles to try and make sre they were at their happiest.. even at my own expence.. to lose them all.. theres nothing worse in life that can befall me.. not losing my family.. as a whole they have despised me.. gess its why seeking love and solace in my friends was so critical.

all the red lines of the spell checker tells me that my typine is far worse then usual.. between the shaking hands and the tears brning my eyes its no surprise.

to be totally unwanted.. nloved.. worse.. hated.. abandoned by everything and everyone... its a darknes.s. a devouring void that i cant properly describe any more then i could describe the endless desire to just grind this sharp edge into m flesh.. and watch as the filth of the blood that traves within me pours out into the floor... maybe if i let enough of it floow.. it would finally start to become clean.. maybe god will find it in his heart to forgive me for all the things ive done to deserve allt his suffering ive enddoured throught my life.. i dont know...why else when all the worst things of my life happen abou the tim e of my birthh?
there nothing left of me now... nothing left to take... everything thats matterd to me has been taken.. everony ive cared about.. cared no about me.. ive nothing left.. but to do whats exected ofme on a day to day basis.. and wait.. wait and hope that fate finally decides to let me find some peace in eternal sleep.

DragonFyre Stormbringer.
Jason David Begley